Facing the first Christmas after the loss of a child.
It’s Christmas morning and my 12-year-old is missing.
Christmas is coming. It’s a season of togetherness, a season of family, love, laughter..for most.
For others, it is the hardest time of the year.
For myself, it is the first Christmas without my 12-year-old son. Together, isn’t truly together without him. Family isn’t the same without him. Nothing is the same without him. Love and laughter are much harder to find in this season.
The typical energy and stress that barrels into our lives the weeks leading up to the holidays, looks different the year(s) after the loss of a child. Loss of any loved one really, but there is a special kind of hard when the loss, is your child.
It’s been almost eight months and as much as I haven’t been ready to face the next day, a holiday or special event leaves the anxiety and sadness at an all-time high.
Are you facing the holidays with tremendous hurt this year?
I know I’m not alone in feeling these feelings, but yet it is the loneliest feeling in the world.
Everything is different, including celebrating the holidays. In all honesty, celebrating anything gives me the feeling of a swift kick to the gut.
Moving through the days, while grieving is a lot like what I imagine walking through waist-high sludge is like. It reminds me of a bad rendition of Groundhog Day with Bill Murray, except instead of groundhogs, there are tears. The confusion is figuring out why this happened to our family, to my son and how do we move forward.
How do you survive this? And is there even a way to thrive, not just survive?
During my son’s treatment, I found writing and sharing our faith in the midst of such trauma was both a blessing and therapeutic. We were given the gift of seeing life from a different perspective in pretty much everything, especially a holiday such as Christmas. Last Christmas, although he was on chemo, he had relapsed twice and we didn’t want to give the thought of it being his last Christmas any power. So we celebrated. We spent it with friends and family. We went to his favorite place, the beach. And we lived..even in the middle of a pandemic.
Although my mourning process started before he passed, knowing we would be facing a future without him, I couldn’t have prepared for this journey.
Especially, this journey without Jesus.
There has been a message on my heart in the last few days that I need to share with you.
During the dark times, there are moments God feels so far away. That may be because, in the exhaustion of grief, I get sidetracked from God. My focus becomes solely on how I feel, which is generally exhausted, depressed, anxious, sad, so sad, etc. Then the focus on myself, leaves me feeling farther away from Jesus than ever.
It’s in that distance, I’m reminded of the book of first Peter and his letter to believers. Jesus followers were spread amongst the nations and they were in a state of much suffering, yet they lived and believed in Jesus. As Jesus walked the earth, these followers were in the worst of circumstances, and yet put him front and center in their thoughts and actions.
Can’t we all relate to that distant feeling at times, even on the good days?
We know God is right beside us, but our feelings, our depression, our anxieties, fears, and the enemy’s lies keep us tied down, feeling alone.
In Peter’s letter, he wrote, “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10.
This verse reminds me to look to Jesus, and let Him take my hand and guide me through this valley.
I invite you to join me in seeking Him over the weeks and months to come.
A few other ways that have helped me live with grief because grief isn’t necessarily a process with an end date.
- Use this verse or your favorite verse to anchor you in the hard moments. Memorize or write that verse and post it everywhere, let it ground you in those moments.
- Surround yourself with worship music, podcasts, or audiobooks that leave you feeling better than when you started. Here is a post about some of my favorite songs, audiobooks, and podcasts (although it was written early in treatment and isn’t focused necessarily on grief).
- Take a walk, even if it is just around the yard. Just feel the fresh air, even if it’s cold, snowy, or rainy.
- Give yourself grace. If you did one thing more today than you did yesterday, pat yourself on the back.
- Allow yourself to feel the feelings. I have gotten okay with crying in public. As a society, crying seen as a sign of weakness. I’m here to tell you, it is not. There isn’t anyone around you that understands your journey and you have earned the right to shed those tears. Jesus collects every one of your tears and they are seen as precious.
- Take a shower. A long hot one. I have spent many hours praying and crying, while the hot water was cleansing to the heart and soul. It also helps me to start the day with a fresh feeling. Shave the legs if you are feeling extra good that day.
- Find a good therapist. Girl, if you are struggling beyond what you feel is “normal” or the bad thoughts have invaded to the point of concern for yourself, it’s time to enlist help. You are worth it. It is worth the time. Find a good Christian counselor, it will change your path. And, if they recommend medication, do it. Taking antidepressants is not a weakness, but strength in that you are doing what you need to move through this impossible time. It can take a few different medications and dosages but stick with it.
- Do something for someone else. It’s Christmas time, adopt a family or volunteer, to give you a chance to focus on something besides your grief. Helping someone in need can help you as much as it blesses them.
To wrap this blog up, I would be honored if you shared how you survived your first Christmas after the loss of a child? Or after a loss of a loved one. Share with me how I can pray for you and let’s join in praying for each other through these tough days.
Blessings,
