All Things New

Facing Grief in the New Year with Courage

5 Ways to Face The New Year After Loss

Fresh grief, even experienced grieving, can be all-consuming and exhausting.

Being in a place of grief at the start of a new year feels about like standing at the foot of yet another mountain. Facing the thought of a whole year without both my boys feels nothing less than overwhelming and daunting.  

Many look to the new year as a chance to restart. A chance to accomplish the resolutions that didn’t quite make it to the end of the year or just to make some improvements.  

For those going through a loss, it may be more of a year of survival. A year of getting through more firsts without your child or loved one.  

Does this sound familiar to you?

Or maybe you fall somewhere in between, like me. We lost our son after a three-year battle with Rhabdomyosarcoma. It’s a special kind of hellish beast, as is every childhood cancer.  Click here to read more about our childhood cancer journey. I’ll be honest, I haven’t updated my page about our journey, because writing about his last earthly days hurts too much yet.

In April, he took Jesus’s hand and headed to his new beautiful home.  

During the last months, we’ve faced the firsts. His first birthday, first easter, first trip, without his beautiful smile and quick whips.

The loss of a child creates a void that can’t be filled, but we try to learn to live with the gaping hole in our hearts because life doesn’t stop and wait for us to be ready to move forward. It moves forward, whether we want it to or not, without permission from us.

That’s where the decision is ours on how we proceed with the next month, days, or even moments.

“Life doesn’t stop and wait for us to be ready to move forward.”

This Precious Life Blog

God didn’t create us to live the rest of our days in sorrow. That’s the enemy and a broken world. Our hearts are super tender right now and that makes it hard to see the sunshine in the storm.

This is why I’m determined to find a few ways to face this new year with hope and peace, the grief may win some days and that is okay.  

Although I have not officially faced a whole new year without Cooper, every day without him feels like a year. Every holiday or even every Thursday (that’s the day of the week he passed), is a tough day. But, I’m finding there are some days that I actually feel somewhat successful in life. It may be as simple as getting out of bed and getting a shower, other days it may include cleaning something and working a full 8+ hours.

Thus far, these few tips have been what I’ve found to help have a day that isn’t completely full of tears.

1. Take Your Time  & Rest

Listen to your body and spirit. When they are telling you it’s time to rest, it’s time to take a break.

There are days where the emotional exhaustion takes captive and by lunch, I’m ready for a nap. Set a 30-minute alarm and close your eyes. Some days you may need a little recharge nap and that is okay. If you are back to work, head to your car or find a quiet place just to have a moment.

Try to get a full night’s rest. I almost laugh as I type this out because I’m going through a time of insomnia when I usually sleep very sound. If it has been more than a few days without sufficient sleep, it may be time to give the doctor a call for help and recommendations.

Now if resting looks a little more like a three-day bender in bed, it may be time to call in the troops. A spouse, family member, counselor, trusted friend to show up and push you out of bed and into the shower. But know that there is no end date to the grieving process and even years into the journey, there may be those days. Again, be gentle with yourself.

From personal experience, those are the moments that my prayer is simply, “Help me, Jesus.” He knows our hearts and doesn’t want us to live in this dark place.

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him”

Psalm 62:1

2. Be Gentle with yourself and know its okay to cry.  

Crying is actually proven to be a healthy outlet. It helps to relieve pain, releases toxins and detoxifies the body, helps to self-soothe, and helps to restore emotional balance and when walking through the grief journey.

Releasing emotion in a healthy way will encourage your mind, body, and spirit to heal. Although the pain won’t be gone, finding ways to release the anger, sadness, and all the roller coaster of feelings that accompany grief will help you process through the grief, a little bit at a time.

Be kind to yourself, you have experienced one of life’s worst tragedies. But your strength is much louder than you realize. If you are with me reading this right now, you are one amazingly strong woman. Know it, feel it, even if it is for just a moment.

We will survive this and remember that tears are prayers too. I believe that Jesus weeps with us, just as he did for Lazarus. He knows our broken hearts and is standing by for you to cry out to Him.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

Psalm 56:8 

3. Set micro-goals

When you wake up and are reminded all over again that the loss is real, moving feels impossible, much less jumping out of bed and hit the ground running. After the last several years of treatment, hospitals, and eventually loss, I don’t even know what that concept is anymore. This momma is tired from my toes to my crown, from my spirit to my mind.

Does that sound at all familiar?

• Instead, when waking up, I try to start with an uplifting worship song as my alarm. Currently, it’s the song, “Jireh”. It reminds me first thing,

• Try focusing on the next thing, like spending 5 minutes with Jesus before you even get out of bed. Thank Him for the day, even if you aren’t feeling too thankful, even if it is raining and cold. Starting the day with your heart posed in a position of thankfulness, helps the day start on a better path.

He gives power to the weary and increases the
power of the weak. 

Isaiah 40:29

• Do a few low-impact stretches while still laying in bed.

• Take a shower, put on a bra, get dressed, and brush your teeth. Trust me, while it doesn’t fix everything, getting a shower somehow cleanses the heart and mind and leaves you refreshed for the next moment to conquer.

• Turn on your favorite essential oils in the diffuser. I, personally, love grapefruit, orange, lemon, rosemary, and lavender. We used oils all through Cooper’s treatment for various reasons. Diffusing is my favorite way to clear my mind.

The sense of smell can have a big impact on the frame of mind. Cooper’s favorite oils to diffuse were lavender and lemon, to help him lull him to sleep. I, personally, like the YoungLiving brand and this link is to a friend’s site that shares her love for essential oils.

4. It’s Okay to Be Okay

The grief process can hit like waves in the ocean. Some days can feel like a storm is whirling all around you, while other days there may be the sight of land in the distance and there is a calmness surrounding you.

In all the conversations, blogs, and comments about grief, rarely do we find a reminder to acknowledge how far we have come. We can’t see through the fog that is our own grief, but yet, we manage to make it through another day.

On the days where the need to live outweighs the sadness, we often respond with feeling guilty.

Keep in mind, we can never move “on”, only forward.

When the day comes and it feels like the weight is a little less, that means the grief work is being done. Your heart is starting to recognize that you will survive this and maybe that there is purpose in this pain.

Embrace that calmness, seek it daily, even if it is for a few minutes.

5. Seek Jesus, every day.

Seek Jesus every single day, even if it is just for a few minutes. When you wake up, hold off on social media for 5 minutes and find a devotional that speaks to you.

Start your day with a heart of thanksgiving, (even if it feels impossible). Spending a moment, saying “thank you” and help lift me through this day.

God does love us so much that he left His word for us to seek in the dark days. He gave us verses to cling to when the tears won’t stop when we need a moment of hope.  

As we all face a new year of ups and downs, know that it’s okay to laugh, smile, and enjoy your loved ones.  

Let’s face this year together, hold each other up in prayer, and reach out to each other to share the stories of a loved one that you’ve lost and how you are doing.  

So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy.  

John 16:22

Blessings,