5 Ways to Protect Your Marriage During Childhood Cancer
Marriage is not generally a walk in the park on most days..am I right? My husband, Lonny, and I have gone through our ups and downs and struggles just like any marriage. Of course, we chose to be partners in all challenges life throws our way, but a diagnosis of cancer in our youngest son was a whole other story.
Heading straight into a storm
Many marriages are hit with storms such as financial stress, emotional distance, faith related stress, or health issues. The majority of marriages are not prepared for a diagnosis of cancer within your immediate family unit, especially one of your children. We tend to take the general good health of our kiddos for granted.
My husband and I were not an exception to that. Our two boys, Eli and Cooper, had great health, other than moderate dyslexia and dysgraphia for Cooper. This showed up when he was in 2nd grade and it was stressful for him, which made it stressful for us, but we never questioned navigating through it. We could get him all the help he needed to be successful.
Then in February 2018, while at my son’s basketball game, my husband felt that Cooper’s right arm was ‘thicker’ than the left arm. If he wasn’t so skinny, we wouldn’t have noticed. Within a week, and several scans, we were sitting in an exam room with two oncologists telling us Cooper had stage 4 cancer and the cancer had spread everywhere. The prognosis was 10% chance of a year, which would be full of chemo and radiation and surgeries and possible loss of his right arm, if he beat the odds.
Looking back at those days through the lens focused on our marriage, we were heading straight into a major storm that would stress the limits of our marriage. The kind of storm most marriages do not survive. Satan can use your storm as a playground with the goal to separate you and your spouse.
Satan is always looking for a way to destroy you and those you love.
As we headed into treatment, we had to look at the bigger picture for treatment. We had to consider what was best for both boys. We decided our treatment path was going to be a clinical trail at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, in Memphis, TN. They gave us what we needed most..Hope.
We felt it was important to keep things as “normal” as possible for our older son, Eli, while Cooper was in treatment. For us, this meant we were going to have to separate. I’m the primary income and insurance holder, so my husband was going to have to quit his job and move to Memphis with Cooper. Meanwhile, I would stay home with my older and continue to work (thankfully I worked from home).
Impossible Decisions
This was hands down the hardest decision we have ever had to make. It was the hardest thing, as Cooper’s mom, that I’ve ever had to do. And believe me, it came with a fair amount of mom guilt, not being with my child who was going through unbelievably difficult treatments. But, I knew I had to put that aside for the moment, as impossible was it was. After 2-3 weeks, we would switch for a week so we could each be with the other kid for a few days.
Throughout the next 70 weeks, we faced financial stress, learning how to treat Cooper while he wasn’t in treatment, traveling back and forth from home to Memphis, missing Eli’s events to travel, and many other stressors. We were in a constant state of transition. Most weeks, we saw each other from Fri night to Sunday morning. Some weeks, the travel would just be too much for our older son and we would go a couple of weeks without seeing each other.
In the times we did see each other, my husband and I were not in a good place. Trying to support each other was the furthest thing from our minds. We were in survival mode for our son. We often were void of sleep and disrupting each other’s schedules and routines. This often left us with some pretty raw feelings toward each other. But, we had a common goal and therefore we were a team. Even if it didn’t feel like it most days.
5 Ways to Protect Your Marriage
Recognize that Christ is the middle of your marriage
In the midst of a major trial, it is nearly impossible to see anything past what you are seeing in the moment. If it is watching your child fight for their life, or any other horrific situation, you feel completely alone. The kind of alone that can be compared to a vast darkness. This can in turn cause unimaginable stress and anxiety which is often taken out on those around you. I’m speaking from my experience, but I think, when you’re facing something like childhood cancer, there is a commonality in some of these feelings.
Your spouse is in the same boat. He/she is more than likely feeling the same darkness, stress and anxiety.
In all of the marriage bible studies we have ever done, facing this kind of stress was never part of the curriculum. We had no choice but to either face it on our own, in our own way, or to acknowledge even though we were stressed, we were a team with Christ at the head of it.
We had to allow God to take the wheel because we couldn’t do it on our own.
Pray (and ask for prayer) for your spouse, yourself and your marriage
When you are facing a trial, the tendency is to focus on praying for the obvious hurts. Maybe it is your child in the midst of treatment, the friends in treatment, the medical team treating your child, etc. However, asking for prayer for yourself, your spouse and your marriage gives away to feeling selfish. That is the enemy.
Keeping your marriage together during the worst moments is an absolute must. It must be protected. For you, for your spouse and for your kids. The stress during and after treatment is unreal and you need to have a strong foundation in your marriage to not only survive, but thrive.
Take 5 minutes a day to pray for yourself, your health and the health of your spouse and your marriage. Some days it may be just asking for patience when you have none left to give.
Seek others to pray for you and your marriage. There is no weakness in seeking others to pray for you and your marriage through this storm. It is necessary. Doing this on your own is near impossible. Let those surrounding you be your prayer warriors and lift you both up through this difficult time.
Find patience and peace and kindness when it feels impossible
During one of our marriage bible studies years ago called Love & Respect, it was discussed that you should approach your spouse as though you are speaking to Jesus. This was an eye opening realization for me, because my thoughts toward my spouse were anything but Jesus worthy. And I can honestly say, I struggle with this to this day. BUT, it does give me pause when I’m in the middle of being angry and feeling hurt. The pause gives me a moment to rethink my response or my approach to whatever the frustration(s) are at the moment. When you are going through an intense storm, the emotions run equally as intense. Anger becomes a fierce anger. Frustration becomes an intense frustration. Fear becomes hopelessness.
Being self aware helps to you to recognize sometimes it is more the intense emotion than it is actually your spouse. They are just on the receiving end.
As challenging as it can be, it is important to take a breath when you are ready to attack and find some patience. In our case, fear easily took over and we would use it against each other. And at times there were words said that couldn’t be taken back. Other times, we recognized we were a team and needed to support and protect each other, sometimes from ourselves. We had moments where we gave each other the gift of kindness and patience even when it was hardest. Again, we often couldn’t do this on our own. We would try to place Christ in between us and let HIM lead us to a better place.
Be Quick to Forgive in Times of Trial
Anger and fear are the two biggest emotions we experienced through our childhood cancer journey or in any traumatic experience.
Some days when faith was lacking and we were in the hardest days, the anger and fear was overwhelming. Especially in the beginning of treatment, as the poison was running through my son’s veins, creating havoc on his body.
If you don’t have anything nice to say..stop and walk away.
The stress level on both my husband and I was off the charts. There were many days where I was at home with my older son and my younger son would FaceTime me when he was feeling his worst, for us just to be near. I would watch him feel terrible, watch him cry, watch him sleep. I’d try desperately to not show my non-stop tears and would find myself so angry because I wasn’t with him. Not to say I didn’t want to be with my older son, but I needed to be in both places.
I immediately would find myself furious with jealousy of my husband because he was able to quit his job and be there. Losing sight that we both agreed our decision was necessary.
This kind of stress and emotion tended to make us do stupid things and say even more stupid things to each other. I can’t tell you how many times something came out of my mouth and I immediately wish I could take it back. And same for husband (or I assume).
I found myself exhausted from the amount of anger. Looking back, I wish I would have immediately looked for some room for forgiveness when we were at each other. It was such a waste of energy, it accomplished nothing and added to the toll on our marriage.
If you find yourself feeling hurt and angry because of something your spouse said or did in the midst of an intense situation, take a step back, breathe, pray, and reevaluate how to respond. Maybe that means taking a walk, stealing a few moments in the chapel, or just having a moment in another room. Make a decision.. is the response going to be one out of anger or in forgiveness?
If in forgiveness, I promise, you will not regret it. It may even turn the situation in a completely new direction. A direction that allows you to have peace in your heart instead of anger.
Focus on the End Goal.. Together.
One of the biggest strengths my husband and I found while going through the trial of childhood cancer, was focusing on the end goal. For us, it was not only survival of our child, but also our marriage. And we focused on making our story into something positive, even when we weren’t feeling positive.
We shared our story with a couple thousand followers on Facebook. It was the easiest way for us to everyone updated. We shared our sadness, our struggles, our faith, and our wins. We decided early on it would be best for all of us to focus on our relationship with Christ through this journey. Our end goal quickly became more than survival, but a way to thrive and inspire others. We found that others who were going through other trials or even just having a bad day, were inspired by turning to Christ in the worst of times. It was a way to celebrate and make something positive out of something that was anything but positive.
Consider sharing your story with others. Allow your vulnerability to become a way to help others. Having this common goal of sharing our story with others and seeing how it impacted others, gave my husband and I an unbreakable bond, one rooted in Christ. Because, in Christ, all things are possible.
Thank you for being a part of this story and I pray some of these tools help you and your spouse, your family and most importantly your relationship in Christ.
My prayer for you.
Heavenly Father, Thank you for your continued presence throughout this storm. Lord, my strength is wavering today and I find myself struggling with my spouse. Give me the strength I need to have patience and forgiveness in my heart. Lord, help us to continue to focus on YOU during this storm, seeking you in our darkest moments. Help me to feel your overwhelming peace in my heart and calm my anger and fear. Lord, let my actions toward my spouse and those I love be actions of love only and pleasing to you. Forgive me for my harsh thoughts and protect our marriage from the enemy. Amen.
