When a family close to you goes through a traumatic experience, such as a child being diagnosed with pediatric cancer, you want to do whatever possible to connect or help them. It’s a beautiful thing about humans, when things are at their worst, many just want to help. It is often inspiring and humbling, especially to the family walking through the trial.
Treatment usually is over the course of several months to several years. For some, it is a whole lifetime of fighting. When news of someone close or in the community comes to light, typically, people response immediately. The family is overwhelmed with blessings right out of the gate.
For the family, determining how to handle all of the blessings can add to the already overwhelming stress. If you are thinking about sending some type of support or gifting, consider holding it off until later in the treatment when things have slowed down and everyone else has moved on or even when they return home. The transition home is almost as challenging as heading into treatment. To get a better idea of what a family goes through after treatment, see my post on 5 Truths of Life Post Treatment.
There are ways to support a family going through a trauma that extends beyond material gifts.
1. The Gift of Prayer
The number one way you can help a family going through a traumatic experience is the gift of prayer. I mean the on your knees with tears crying out to God kind of prayers. No mamsey pamsey prayers here! They need for God to hear you loud and clear! Many times the family has no idea what to even pray for, things are so crazy scary, especially in the first few weeks of treatment. Pray for the family with all of your heart and soul. Pray for the child, the situation, the parents, siblings, medical team, their home, their hearts, their family, their finances, their travel, for treatments and side effects.
They need for God to hear you loud and clear!
Ask them what you can specifically pray for. I would often get texts asking what specific prayers were needed. Being surrounded by prayer every day lifted our hearts in unimaginable ways.
Set up a prayer chain and/or a scheduled day and invite others to join in prayer. Go to their house and pray over their home.
Encourage the men, husbands, and other fathers to stay connected via text or calls with the daddy of the kiddo. Women are the first to check in, text, call and see how the momma is doing. For men, it can take more of an effort. But the daddy needs to be supported too.
2. Connect with the family
When a family is going through a traumatic experience, we don’t know what to do. We don’t want to bother them and aren’t sure what to say in those times. Many times, we don’t say anything. We are praying for them and keeping up with their journey, but at a loss of words. There is a fear we may say the wrong thing. And it’s possible. Emotions are off the charts. But the fear of offending shouldn’t be greater than the blessing of support. Even if it is a simple text saying, “Hi, I’m praying over you today.”
You may not get a response. Don’t over think it. Just let them know they are on your mind and you are praying for them. It’s enough.
3. Help keep up their home
During treatment, doing the simplest things around the house became monumental tasks. For us, I was working full time and focused on my older son while my husband and younger son were at St. Jude in treatment. Every weekend, my older son and I would make the five hour trip to Memphis for two days and drive back. While we were gone, friends and family came over to keep up with the yard work, do the dishes, take out the trash, sweep, pick up. Whatever needed to be done and to make our house welcoming for when we arrived home.
Go in and do a deep clean. We were fortunate enough to be able to bring Cooper home through treatment for short stays in between chemo. When he would come home, I would try to spend at least a couple hours cleaning and disinfecting EVERYTHING. His counts were always a cause for concern. I’ll be the first to admit that our level of cleanliness in our house of boys, is not where it should be for a cancer patient. Not even close.
If you have the opportunity, bless the family with a thorough cleaning before they make a trip home.
4. Monetary Gifts
The easiest, most effective way for you to help a family going through a traumatic situation is a monetary gifts. Often times there are options in ways of PayPal, Venmo, and GoFundMe. These are absolutely awesome ways to give. Families are often struck with a financial situation with medical bills they did not see coming.
Check to see if they have a fund through a church that allows for tax free giving.
For us, our biggest financial stress was medical bills prior to going to St. Jude. Then after we were at St. Jude, the costs of traveling back and forth mounted up. Some families are far from the hospital they are seeking treatment at, therefore airfare/food/gas, etc becomes an enormous financial strain in addition to the medical bills.
It’s common the family will have a reduction in income due to a parent becoming a full time caregiver.
Gift cards are always a great option. My recommendation would be to stay with a Visa type of gift card. This gives them the flexibility to spend it wherever they need it.
Cash is a no fail option too.
5. Be Aware of Conversation
This one is such a tough one because there is a fine line when trying to connect with a family going through such a tough experience. God has placed such a kindness in our hearts that we often want to connect with them in any way that we can to tell them they are not alone.
But, I do encourage you to take pause when looking for a way to connect. Acknowledge that this is their journey and there is no comparison. Every journey through trauma is different. When I would hear phrases such as “I totally understand” or “It will be okay.” or after treatment “It’s over!”, I would look for an immediate escape from the conversation.
For us, it was pediatric cancer and the words “I totally understand”, when their children were perfectly healthy, would leave me angry and confused. When someone would tell me, “It will be okay.” when there are no guarantees that was going to be the case, I would just nod and totally shut down and find the fastest way out of the conversation to go and have a good cry in private.
When we moved home, while still on maintenance chemo, I often heard “It’s over!”.. nope, not by a long shot.. It will never be “over”. Pediatric cancer is a lifetime journey. Just because my child survived the horrific treatment, did not, by any means, mean that it was over. Not even close. Coming out of survival mode meant we had a whole new ‘normal’ to navigate.
If you find yourself in this situation and looking for a way to connect, I encourage you to ask them how you can pray for them. Just share that you are thinking about them, ask questions, share a verse or a thought with them and leave it at that. May be write a letter sharing how they have inspired you.
Be a light in their darkness.
6. Show Siblings Some Love
When a family is struck with a life changing diagnosis or situation, the whole family is deeply effected, especially the siblings. Every person in the family is going through their own journey. For us, my two boys are 26 months apart and they have a special kind of relationship. A one-of-a-kind brotherhood; two halves of a whole. They NEED each other. So when Cooper was diagnosed, it heartbreaking to see their relationship stressed. They missed each other so much.
Being a sibling of a child going through treatment means that the majority of the attention is focused on them, leaving the other siblings in the background, feeling left out. They are in the shadows.
Find a way to surround, love and support the siblings.
- Take them out for a play day. Take them to the movies, shopping, makeovers, play outside or their favorite sport, invite them over with your kids. Put the spotlight on them.
- If your child is friends with the cancer kiddo or siblings, have them make something special for the siblings. My older son had friends in his class doing prayer circles during recess to pray for Eli and Cooper and our family. Others would make prayer cards and give gifts specifically for Eli.
- A group of his classmates organized a big bowling outing for him that included several of his teachers and many of his friends and several parents, while my husband and I were in Memphis with Cooper.
Any way you can find to lift up the siblings is a great way to bless the family.
- And lastly, listen to them. If you have a relationship with the siblings, give them the opportunity to just talk and share what they might be feeling. Sometimes it is the best way to allow them to feel loved.
Heavenly Father,
thank you for being a mighty and gracious God. Thank you for allowing us to be Your hands and feet in supporting this family in this difficult season. We ask you to show us how to best support them that would be pleasing to you, Lord. And we ask for Your guidance and blessing over our want in showing them love. Please protect them and surround them in peace that transcends all understanding. It’s in Your name we pray.
Amen.
How have you blessed families going through a rough time? Or if you are a family going through a crisis, how have others blessed you? Share your thoughts in the comments.
